Now that I'm over halfway to my goal of 100,000 words, I have a conflicting rush of emotions regarding my work on this project.
This is my first book and I feel like the proverbial babe in the woods, because everyone I look up to seems to have already completed at least one novel, if not two or three or ten or... you get what I mean. It's uncharted territory for me, and I'm making it up as I go along (literally AND figuratively).
I'm a horrible procrastinator and my ADD adds to my inability to finish projects, so it took me a long time to commit to writing a book. I never thought I would be able to finish such a long project. I'm not finished yet, but I'm still going strong. It's daunting because I look back at all the pages I already have (179) and know I need to make about the same amount again to get the story finished. I know the work is starting to pick up now that the characters have been developed and the stage has been set and a lot of weird shit has gone down in the story, but there still seems to be so much left to go.
I'm proud of what I've already accomplished. This book is already the longest thing I've ever written, and the story is solid. Weird, but solid. I am worried I won't get it finished by my personal goal date (May 1st), but I refuse to give up on myself. Attending regular writers' meetings helps my motivation tremendously, because I get feedback on the pages I've written plus insights on the work I may not have thought of. It also keeps me accountable, makes me continue to produce. I love writing and I adore getting lost in my own story, but one of the hardest things about it is that there's nobody making you write, except yourself. If you don't get it done, nothing really bad happens; you just don't finish. Writers' meeting keeps me honest, keeps me working, because I feel the need to show Brian K. Ladd and Gail Gray my work. They're hooked on the story, especially Gail, and I have that great feeling that I imagine all storytellers get when they have someone entranced with a tale - exhilarated, passionate, excited, devious, a little cocky...
I'm keeping my focus on the goal of May 1st. I'm scared, excited, happy, frustrated, tired... so many different emotions, brewing together to make their own unique stew of feeling. It's hard to process. In the meantime, while I'm processing, I'm doing my best to just keep typing.